Who Sucks More?  Aerosmith or ZZ Top?

It is ironic that two of the most overrated bands of all time comprise the book-ends of the alphabet.  Let’s start with Aerosmith, where the music is at least more tolerable compared to the unlistenable ZZ Top.  Could there be any more of a sell-out, over-hyped, lyrically-challenged band than Aerosmith?  A commercial success that I’m frustratingly jealous of, but I may rather listen to interstate traffic in a rainstorm than these guys.  And then ZZ Top, ugh… what do you say about these guys…. their music makes my stomach heave like a gallon of curdled milk would.  They just suck.  So let’s take up the challenge of who sucks more…

Appearance

 – VS – 

I heard Steven Tyler once described as having the mannerisms of a Tibetan Spider Monkey and the wardrobe of Bea Arthur from Golden Girls.  That’s pretty appropriate.  The guy looks like he weighs 80 lbs soaking wet and all the feathers in his hair, long cloaks and makeup can’t change his near-death appearance.  That being said, it’s hard to beat the inexplainable beards that made ZZ Top.  Let’s be honest, without their signature look, you would have missed out on such classic hits as Tube Snake Boogie and Sharp Dressed Man.  Perhaps we would be the better for this.

Lyrics

Both groups have set back songwriting, if not the English language, immeasurably.  Let’s compare:  First, here are some ZZ Top classics:

From the Tube Snake Boogie we get:

I got a girl she lives on the block,
She kinda funky with her pink and black socks.
She likes to boogie,
She do the tube snake boogie.
Well now boogie woogie baby,
Boogie woogie all night long.

And then we get the classic from Legs:

She’s got legs, she knows how to use them.

But, just not to be outdone, from Sleeping Bag:

When it’s cold outside and you want to sleep in
Go for a pallet that’s so nice and thin.
Zip it on around while it’s on the ground,
Spread it out and lay it on down.
Slip inside my sleeping bag,
Slip inside my sleeping bag.

Give the bearded-boys (actually, did you know the drummer’s last name is Beard and doesn’t have the signature beard… trivial, but interesting) their due.  These intolerable lyrics are outstanding in their terribleness but just when you thought their oral vomit couldn’t be topped, let’s take a look at Aerosmith’s effort:

First, the classic Dream On:

Dream On  (repeat 17x with only two interruptions of “Dream until your dreams come true”)

Next, F.I.N.E.

I feel like I’m hung up on the line
I’d die for you but we were partners in the crime
Everything about you is so f-i-n-e- FINE

And the icing on the cake: Love in an Elevator

Workin’ like a dog for the boss man (Oh!)
Workin’ for the company (Oh, yeah!)
I’m bettin’ on the dice I’m tossin’ (Oh!)
I’m gonna have a fantasy (Oh, yeah!)
But where am I gonna look?
They tell me that love is blind
I really need a girl like an open book
to read between the lines

You gotta appreciate the simplicity of the message from Aerosmith, right?  In case you weren’t sure, they repeat Dream On 17 times in a row, which makes Jordan Spark’s epic “Battlefield” seem creative in its effort.  Spelling of lyrics?  I suppose this says something about audience, no?

 Legacy

Thanks to Run DMC’s collaboration in “Walk this Way”, Aerosmith relaunched their career which almost died peacefully while we were all unaware.  Elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2001 and selling more than any other American rock and roll band puts their legacy safely where it doesn’t belong in the immortal category.  But just to be sure their sell-out of every endorsement deal, promotion and video game will make sure they stay around forever.  Generations will know them, which is ultimately not going to be the case for ZZ Top, who despite their inclusion in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (does everyone get in? Geesh?) will go down as “those guys with the beards”.

Conclusion

They both suck and are both extremely overrated.  But ZZ Top sucks more.

Double Conclusion – 3 years later

A lot folks will say that Nickelback is worse than both of these.  I’d argue differently.  Here’s why:

1. They are Canadian which mean they would apologize politely for sucking.  You gotta give some grace.
2. They are irrelevant and no one seems to bother with them.
3. Some great jokes come from this and their memes.