Elf on the Bleepin’ Shelf

 Overrated: Elf On The Shelf

Perhaps, the reason I have such animosity towards Elfie is that my kids missed the EOTS window.  They were just a tad bit to old too hit the window so I didn’t get to experience the magic of the Elf, whatever you name that shifty-eyed little bugger.  Frankly, when I read the EOTS website about the “tradition” of the elves and the Elf Adoption Centers, I start getting agitated, even perhaps a little infuriated.  Mostly, I think, because some genius is making millions off of this stupid, ridiculously stupid, idea.

So let’s first talk about the “tradition”, dating all the way back to 2005 for most of us.  I mean the cute little idea that a Georgia mom had with her twin daughters to keep them in line is a great little family thing.  Cute and all… but who needs new traditions?  Don’t we have enough stupid old traditions?   Don’t even get me started on the absurdity of Christmas (or, now, Holiday cards) that are single-handedly keeping the Post Office in business or at least charging more for a governmentally delivered item than a private institution (read: FedEx) would… but I digress.

But let’s talk about all that “good stuff” we are teaching our kids – first, Grandpa Joe is a good guy and now this crap?

1. Don’t be snitchin’ – If Ice Cube and NBA stars taught us anything, it’s “don’t be snitchin’” – In our homes, we refer to this as being a tattle-tale.  We yell at our children about it but somehow, someway in our hypocritical world, it is okay for EOTS to report back to Santa everything your kids do wrong.  Great idea.

2. Hypocrites! – So wait, let me get this straight… there are actually parents out there creating mischief that will be blamed on EOTS.  This mischief, which reportedly would include shredding paper and tossing it all over the floor, or dismantling the Christmas tree, or dis-ornamenting the tree, or pouring milk out on the floor, or creating marshmallow fights… is created by the parents and then has to be cleaned up by the parents???  WTH????  Seriously?  What is wrong with you people?  Who has this kind of time?  I barely can function with stringing up a couple lights and shopping.   Oh, wait, and you laugh off this kind of stuff but God forbid your kids leave their jacket out, they’ll get grounded for a week… but Elf… he’s okay!

3. Bullying or Blackmailing? – So, related to point #2, we are condoning bullying, or perhaps blackmailing, as an effective tool of manipulation.  EOTS will report back to Santa if you so much as stay up 5 minutes past your bedtime, but he can tear the place up and live like a prodigal son, but who cares!  You won’t dare do anything about it because he has all the power.  Great lesson, folks.  Well done.  Plus, doesn’t Santa see everything already?  The song tells us that – he sees you when you’re sleeping … blah blah blah… why does he need the EOTS?

4. Parenting – You are doing it wrong – It’s the ultimate “or else” clause.  Parents –> You are giving up your authority to Santa’s minions.  Stop it!  Just Stop it!

He’s an extortionist and you are enabler.  Admit it.



  1. Almost sounds like you’re trading cynicism for anger…and maybe a little lunacy.

  2. I happen to agree with all of this. I have never asked my kids to act right because anyone was watching them other than me. Santa, his little “snitches”, Jesus, Allah, etc…

    Act right, because I said act right. End of Story.

  3. ggarvin44 says:

    If the anger is dosed with a healthy regard for not taking myself too seriously then it is just an outlet to let my cynicism cross over with humor (or my attempt at it) and then anger is just the vehicle. Or maybe I’m just a wee bit crazy.

  4. ggarvin44 says:

    Here we go, Derek… you had to go with Jesus, huh? Well, let me throw this at you… What if you didn’t look at Jesus in terms of behavior or in terms of judgment? What if you didn’t consider him as a snitch or rendering guilt? What if he was just “love” and grace and forgiveness? And, see… now, you are ruining my perfectly good rant!!!! Argh….

  5. Thanks, Derek! I like the Jesus Freak better than Scrooge.

    If you need more ideas for your rants, what about how sales people are always putting your change in your hand with the coin on top of the bills. It falls on the floor….

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